Tips for Visiting Someone in a Nursing Home
I visited my home town in Northern Minnesota in the end of September and reconnected with many long-time friends at the time including Mickie, who now lives at Evergreen Terrace, a nursing home. It was my visit with her that inspires me to write this commentary.
I was actually advised not to visit Mickie by several friends who indicated that I wouldn’t like what I saw and, besides, she wouldn’t remember me. But I went anyway and found a lonely and bewildered person who hadn’t had a single visitor in over a year. Kathy Roberts, Director of Volunteer Services, was ecstatic that I was there.
Mickie, by the way, has three grown sons, two of whom live in town. A third son lives in another state and hasn’t been back in the area for many years.
Many people find it difficult and uncomfortable to visit someone in a nursing home, even an elderly parent. Conversations are often strained. And many visitors don’t know what to say or do if the person they are visiting is withdrawn or resists talking, or if they have memory lapses which is common.
But such is life. Growing older is not exactly a user-friendly activity and we are all going to find ourselves there sooner or later. Contrast Mickie’s aging experience with that of Doris, another friend of mine in Grand Rapids who, at the age of 99, still lives in her own home on Third Avenue and even does her own grocery shopping with some assistance from her son who lives nearby.
For those who require institutional care for one reason or another there are certain important things to keep in mind.
- The quality of life for an elderly person is largely dependent on their interactions and relationships with others. A world barren of relationship produces depression and anxiety that, in turn, seriously degrade the person’s overall functioning. Relationship heals; it gives a person something to live for and it is soothes and comforts. The lack of relationship harms.
- People often think that their relatives with Alzheimer’s have difficulty hearing when, in fact, they are taking time to process what they have heard. Often they are unable to express what they want or they cannot interpret information the way they used to earlier. Be patient and make eye contact. Allow them to finish what they are trying to say without correction or criticism. You can help them by guessing which word they are trying to find or you can ask them to make a gesture or point to something that relates to what they are trying to say.
- For a person experiencing dementia, reminiscing is very calming and it helps them to feel more secure. Talk with them about past events and places and go with the flow…by enjoying some of those past moments with them.
- Dementia patients are able to read body language and to respond to the positive attitudes of caregivers and family members. The reverse is also true. They pick up on our insecurity and it makes them anxious in turn. If treated poorly they feel rejection, loneliness, grief and pain. More can often be achieved with signs, gestures and body language, rather than words.
- Tender touch, in fact, is one of the most important communication devices of all. A hug does wonders for any anxious person, but especially for an aging parent that finds him or herself in a nursing home environment. Touch more, talk less. Give them a massage. Hold their hand. Put a comforting shawl around their shoulders. Take them for a walk. Walking is often therapeutic. Pay attention to the beauty and novelty of your surroundings as you walk.
- Even if the person with dementia does not recognize those who visit, the contact is nevertheless valuable for them. Patients with even severe language deficiency fluctuate in their abilities; some days they are far more observant and attentive than others. Some of this fluctuation has to do with their own level of anxiety and depression, or with thoughts of abandonment.
- Most elderly patients have no awareness of their memory loss. You may feel aggravated at their repetitive behaviors or with having to repeat what you just said but they do not. Let the person know that you have heard them and that you see what he or she is feeling. Try to validate their feelings and try to play a little with them!
- Medications used in nursing homes can overwhelm; they are sometimes used for crowd control, sometimes they interact with other medications and induce a kind of depression of their own. Beware of this and ask about the medications that they are on and for what purpose they are getting them.
- Here are some things you can do with your elderly friend or parent:
a-bring them large family photos, family momentos, books with pictures of animals, flowers or birds – even pictures of their old house – and talk with them about them.
b-take them for a ride to see their old house or farm, or their church
c-if they had a pet, bring a cuddly pet in for them to touch and love
d-bring them favorite foods or beverages if allowed; share vegetables or fruits from your garden for a special treat; or some freshly baked bread or rolls
e-bring a tape player and listen to music together; or play a tape of children or grandchildren talking and singing to them
f-read aloud to them, watch an old movie with them
g-give your father a shave or your mother a new hairdo or a manicure, even a massage
h-arrange to stay and have a meal with them
i-bring a favorite perfume, powder, lotion, or even tobacco if that is something they used to enjoy, as smell is a powerful evoker of memories and emotions
j-bring him or her outside to smell springtime, autumn, rain, or even snow
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Yes, it is permissible to cry all the way home from your visit to the nursing home, if that helps you, but when you walk into the nursing facility bring only good cheer with you.
BUT DO GO. Your friend or parent is counting on you.
